Blah

I'm right in the middle of this housesitting gig with the 16 year old.  It's going great during the day- get up and ready, drive her to school, come back- finish getting ready, head to preschool to work, have a break or run an errand, pick her up from school.  It's the night time that I feel really lonely.  I am surrouded by all these nice, expensive things- furniture, cars, tvs, paintings on the wall...and it's a real novelty at first.  I'm enjoying the comfy bed, nice shower, the use of their car.  But it's not my home.  And I have been trying so hard with this teenager to chat and get to know her, bond on similar music tastes etc. but it gets really dry and I feel extremely awkward.  She's a neat girl- very cool, bball player busy with bball practice, a good student it seems busy studying and writing papers at night.  She has 3 horses at a barn just out of town and I drive her to them a few times a week so she can ride and check on them.  I think it's my own insecurities- not feeling good enough to stimulate her b/c I'm not rich and don't know about the rich things she does....I don't know.  Maybe it's just Monday and I'm ready for my Thanksgiving break at the beach (a whole week with my family).  November 19 hurry on please...

Sitting

I am about to be house/dog/baby sitting for 2 weeks straight staring November 1-18 and I found out I will be getting $45/day.  That's $810!  OMG...I am so thrilled.  It's a beautiful and comfy house, lovely dogs, and a sweet 16-year-old who I will simply be giving rides to school and back, etc.  Not bad....Thank you God!

While babysitting...

I'll forewarn you that this post may get cut off mid-thought as I'm babysitting and the parents will be home anytime from now until the next 30 minutes.  Anyway, today's been interesting...

I had a hard day emotionally and mentally yesterday due to the fragile state of my close friend.  He's going thru an incredibly hard time in his life and has been for a while.  Unbelievably, things have gotten harder for him than they were before (which I thought was close to impossible).  Just goes to show that there is always something to be thankful for.

So, he wouldn't talk to me, then hung up on me after I thought he's agreed to talk.  He said some hurtful things like "I wasn't his friend".  Sadly, he was right.  When he told me he got a message from an old friend that wasn't very warm, I made the insensitive comment "Maybe it's because you've been kinda shady and haven't always followed thru on your word".  I proceeded to say "I'm sure he'll warm up again after you get back into the swing of things"...but I don't think he heard that part because he had already hung up.

Honestly, I didn't feel bad about what I said at first- I felt angry I'd been cut off and justified in my thinking.  I had to pray thru that a lot.  I just gave it to God, telling Him I couldn't handle this myself and to please take care of my friend and help me get some sleep without worrying about it.

Praise God I did!  I woke up feeling pretty good today.

I relaxed with some tv, and a pretty sweet breaky of an omelet, toast and coffee.  Then Mum and I decided to go to this huge farmers market here in Charlotte that my coworker had told me about.  It was a lot of fun.  We got some beautiful thai basil, cilantro, baby spinach, jalapenos, bean sprouts, tomatoes, baby kale, baby bok choy, radishes, and the biggest spring onions you've ever seen!  Oh yeah, and apples, plums, grass-fed beef, and free-range, antibiotic free brown eggs.  GOODNESS :)

So that was fun and we went out for lunch at Chipotle on South Blvd, after driving around uptown a little for a change.

I put my feet up for an hour before I had to get ready to come here.  I am so thankful for work tonight.  I really need the money, but it does so much more for my spirits to come here to a family I've worked with for 5 1/2 years, who love me, in whose home I feel very comfortable, and I feel needed.  I guess I need that.

While I've been here, though, I got even worse news from my friend who decided to talk to me finally- he is being evicted.  It's not been a great situation for a while and we've talked about moving on, but it sucks for it to end this way.  I'm really proud of him for the way he's handling it, though- he's being really mature about it and not freaking out.  He's just believing this door is closing for a reason and something better is around the corner.  Still, I've got a lot of praying to do for this situation.

It affects me a lot.  I used to live there and I still visit him often.  Half the furniture and ALL the kitchen utensils etc are mine.  So, yeah- lots to figure out.

Until later...

Letter to Emma

Monday September 5, 2011

Dear Emma,

I’m writing this on your ninth birthday.  I hope today is extra special for you and that you feel important because you are!  I hope that right now, at 3:30 in the afternoon, you are doing something just for you and having a blast!

I am your birthmother.  I gave birth to you on this day 9 years ago!  You were born at 7:17pm and weighed 8lbs 7.7oz and you were 20 inches long.  I always remember those important facts about you, my baby.  I’m sure your parents have talked to you about what “birthmother” or “birthmom” means and about adoption, but I wanted to tell you from me, that you are very loved!

I always wanted a little girl.  I grew up with a big sister and don’t know so much about boys!  When I found out I was having you I started making a baby quilt, bought baby clothes and shopped everywhere with you in mind!  I picked out some girly fabric for the quilt- fairy kittens wearing tutu’s, and lots of pink, purple and blue squares to go with them.  I had never made a quilt before, and had only sewed a little, but I had a “second mother” friend who was great at sewing and she was happy to teach me.  I really enjoyed making that quilt for you and treasure photos of you as a baby on it!

I wasn’t married when I had you and I didn’t have much money.  I was pretty young, too.  I wanted you to have a wonderful life and have everything you needed and more- I wanted you to be able to take music or dance or horse-riding lessons if you wanted to!

Unfortunately I couldn’t give you those things, but I looked for some people who could- a Mommy and Daddy who wanted a little baby, and a sister for their little boy Ben!

I met your parents when you were still in my tummy!  Your Mom brought delicious cranberry and vanilla chip cookies!

I was so happy to give your parents a baby, but sad for me.  I missed you so much and still do.  I know you don’t really know me, but I love you so much.  Maybe one day, if you want, we can get to know each other better.

I thought you might want to hear a little bit about me and where I come from.  I was born in a country called New Zealand, where kiwifruit and kiwi birds come from!  It’s a beautiful place near Australia and the South Pole.  The fruit was named after the bird because they are small, brown and furry like them. J  People from NZ are called kiwis, so I’m a “kiwi”!  Isn’t that funny?  I like it, though. J

When I was 14 years old my parents, sister and I moved to North Carolina, USA, all the way from New Zealand!  My dad is American, so he moved us back to where he grew up.  I went to high school and some college here in the states.  When I was half-way through college I had you!  A beautiful, special baby girl.  All my family was so happy to meet you.  They, like me, were sad to say goodbye, though.  Everyone felt like you were in great hands with your parents and were glad for you.  We knew you’d be fine.  We were just sad for us.

After I had you, I continued to do a lot of babysitting, as I had before.  I wanted to be close to babies and children even more now.  I loved hugging them and caring for them and praying for you.  I loved it so much that I became a nanny.  That’s like a serious babysitter who comes to the same family all the time and really is a big part of their lives for a long time.  I found a nice family with 3 kids- Joe, age 5, Molly, age 3 (same as you were at the time) and Hope, 11 months old.  I helped pick up the kids from preschool, drove them to birthday parties, to play at friends houses, to the park, to the zoo.  We had a lot of fun- made play dough from scratch, painted pictures, did crafts and rolled on hills.  We baked lots of cookies together, too!  While I was working for them, their Mom had 2 more babies- Finn and Jack.  The oldest kids have grown a lot now and don’t need a babysitter as much anymore.  Now, Joe is 10, Molly is almost 9, Hope is 6, Finn is 2 and Jack is a wee baby, only 6 months old!  Their Mom stays home with the little ones and the oldest 3 are in school.

Right now I am a preschool teacher in a two-year-old class.  I really like it.  I live in Charlotte, North Carolina, and enjoy visiting the mountains to hike and explore as well as the beach when I can.  I love to travel and see new places.  I love taking photos.  I love animals, too.  I have a lynx-point Siamese cat named Spyro, who I adore!  I love dogs and other animals, too, but Spyro is my only pet right now.

My Nana, who lives in New Zealand, got very sick recently.  She is a very special grandmother who was there at the hospital when you were born!  She came all the way from NZ to be with me and my family and meet you!

My Mum (we say Mum, not Mom, in NZ! J) went to see Nana when she was sick, because that’s her mother.  My sister and I really wanted to go see Nana, too.  We didn’t have quite enough money for the plane tickets, though.  I prayed and prayed that God would provide a way for us to see Nana one more time!  It seemed impossible, but I had hope.  A miracle happened, and we were given the money to go!  Nana had wanted to see us so much she paid our way!  I thanked God a lot for that!  And Nana!

So, I just got back from a very special trip back to my homeland.  I hadn’t been back in 8 years.  I remember going the year after you were born.  I am bringing you some souvenirs all the way from there- a kiwi stuffed animal, some stickers and tattoos, a badge, a balloon, some NZ flag toothpicks, a sheep cup (lots of sheep in NZ!), some pencils with a kiwi eraser, some chewing gum, and some New Zealand chocolate bars.  Enjoy!  I’m enclosing a few photos, too.

Next time I’ll have to send some photos of my dad (Paul) and my sister’s husband Evan and her kids.  Rebecca’s children are Maya, age 5, Liv, age 4, and baby Bennett, who is 8 1/2 months old.  I really enjoy being an auntie. J

You sound like a busy young lady!  I am so glad you get to travel and see all kinds of neat things.  Your family seems wonderful, too.  I can’t believe you broke your arm rollerblading! L  How are you doing now?  Are you afraid to try skating again?  I hope you give it another go!  Don’t ever give up on what you love.  Just remember, if you get knocked down, get back up again!

I would love to hear from you sometime if you want to write.  I absolutely adore getting photos of you and hear what you’ve been up to. 

Heaps of love from,

Vivienne

Monday, Monday

So, today was a pretty good day- for a Monday.  I work with 2 year olds as an assistant teacher and I love it-  but it's EXHAUSTING!


I feel like I have worked an 8-10 hr day after 4 hours!  Seriously!  And the fact I don't make nearly as much as I used to as a full time nanny is so hard.  I make less than half of what I used to get so it's difficult to say the least!  However, I do feel a bit happier.  


I enjoy the social aspect- having teachers to talk to regularly.  Nannying was rewarding and an awesome job for a while, but it could be lonely and didn't have much opportunity for building social relationships.  Financially it is stressful, though.  


I am not able to really do anything extra above gas, food, bills.  And I'm living at my parents house.  I wouldn't be able to have a place on my own or with a roommate right now.


This week I am struggling with boundaries.  Can anyone relate?  I want to help everyone and feel needed and wanted and helpful, but I also have to take care of myself.  Constant battle.


I haven't been taking care of my body lately b/c I am so so tired.  I don't have anything left to give.  I went for a walk yesterday and that was good, but that's been happening about once a week only.  I haven't done pilates in ages and I really want to try yoga.  I've done a yoga dvd about 8 years ago and loved it but that's my extent of experience with it.  Never gone to a class.  Too intimidating.  I don't want my top to scrunch up and anyone to see my stomach, etc.  See?  I worry WAY too much what other people think of me.  I really want to stop that.


I used to write all the time.  Lately, not so much.  This is my second post in just over a month!


I wrote that last post on my daughter's birthday and how that was a hard day.  I did get a letter written and sent to her, with gifts and photos.  I haven't heard anything back.  I really want to hear something before Christmas, but I don't know if I will.  And then it will be time to send her another gift and card.  It's hard with little feedback.  But I love her and will try to be consistent.  I am going to post the letter I wrote her on here, in the next post.  I'd love to hear what you guys think- if it's too much for a 9 year old.  But I wrote it for now and mostly for later, for her to look back on as a special letter expressing myself and where I was in life and where I am now and where I always will be for her.

9 years ago

This time 9 years ago, I was in the hospital, in labor.  Going through heaps of stress and family dynamics with my ex, the father of my child.  It was all worth it, though, as a beautiful baby girl was born, Emma Grace.  Today is bittersweet, though, as I don't have Emma with me.  She is being raised by 2 parents who desperately wanted another child, 2 parents who had adopted a boy once before and now wanted a sibling for their child.  2 parents who weren't able to bear children of their own.  So, I placed her in their arms, and I walked away.  The most unnatural thing I have ever done.  I still grieve, but I have peace.  I know she is well and happy and I receive letters and photos about once a year to remind me of that.  Today is hard, though.  I'm going up the street to Caribou Coffee to ponder and write her a letter.  This is one of the hardest letters I've ever had to write because now I know she can read and will have more understanding.  I hope I say the right things.  I love her so much and am so proud of her.  I hope she and I can have a relationship one day.  I hold on for that...